Show me Your glory, LORD!

We just returned from our first vacation out west in over 8 years. It was fast, but so worth it. Life has been so busy for us that making time to just get away has been quite difficult in recent years.

We now have 9 grandchildren ranging in age from 10 1/2 to 1. They bring us so much joy! They keep us on our toes, make us laugh, and cause us to pray for what lies ahead of them.

I became a certified birth doula 4 years ago and my clientele is slowing growing. Doing birth work brings me so much joy! I love helping women to find their own power to control the parts of their births that they can control.

I am hoping to get back into a rhythm with my writing/blogging again. Let this short post be the beginning.

If you would have told me 40 years ago that 40 years would seem like the blink of an eye, I would have laughed at you. I might have given you a little benefit of the doubt, but like any teenager, I would have been laughing inside. Time seemed to move so slowly then. All the things I wanted to do, wanted to be, and the freedoms I thought I would have seemed so far in the future, but looking back now, they were just split seconds of time.

40 years ago this July my world changed forever. Now, in reality, that happens a lot throughout our lives. Things that bring great joy, births, weddings, etc., bring monumental change. Traumatic things do the same. However, as I look back on this, it came at a time in my life when I was quite vulnerable. I was 13. I was awkward, geeky, chubby, and felt oh so out of place. I was struggling with everything life was throwing at me.

It was summer and I had been spending tons of time with my dad (in reality, my step-dad, but he was the only dad I knew then and he had committed himself to raising me, he was my dad). He was laid off from work, depressed, and struggling in his own life. He was just 36. He was cheating on my mom, but they were trying to work through things, it wasn't going all that well, though.

He and I spent lots of time the beginning of that summer going to get parts for motorcycles and the GTO he had been fixing up. We would sit and talk for hours about life, about the choices that would be looming ahead of me as a teenager, about how he wanted to be there for me in those choices and that if I wanted to try things, he would be there with me to teach me the right way. Drinking, smoking weed, nothing seemed off the table, although those things were really not on my radar at that point and never really did become a focus for me. I think years of watching people have no memory have the day before, or sometimes days, gave me a real wariness for partaking in altering substances, and I believe that God's hand of protection was already on me at that point in my life.

Suddenly, everything changed. He didn't come home. The phone rang in the middle of the night. A woman was dead. He was hanging on by a thread. I never say him alive again. Mom wouldn't let me see him in the hospital, he was in bad shape. I was there to hear the neurologist tell us that he was paralyzed from the chest down, he would never walk again. 2 days later, he was gone. He went into cardiac arrest and they couldn't bring him out of it.

I was 13, my mom was just 29. Everything changed from that moment.

I remember lying in bed at night with my window open thinking I could hear the sound of the motorcycle coming...on a still night I could hear him from a couple of miles away, especially when he had the straight pipes on the bike, but it was always a phantom sound, that bike would never roll up the road again. In fact, it had been parted out very quickly after his death, a tradition of bikers back then.

Even now, 40 years later, I long to hear that motorcycle come down the road. I wonder what he would think of me now.

In reality, though, it is a moot point. I fully believe that everyone has an appointment before the Divine Judge and his was that day, just over 40 years ago. I can't change that and in many, many ways, I don't want to. My life is what it is because it has been beautifully orchestrated by the Divine Maestro and I am thankful for that!

The memories have been intense this summer, but that is just what they are, memories. They are a part of who I am and they have helped to mold me, but they are not the substance of me. They don't define me, they don't hold me captive, but they are a part of me and I am thankful for that. My memories give me a perspective on life that most people don't have and I know that God uses that in a powerful way.

I will always love my dad, but after 40 years, I think I can finally say that while it was one of the toughest things I've ever gone through, God has used it for good.

Dear Summer,

It saddens me so that some people are trying to rush through you just to get to fall decorations and pumpkin flavored everything! Oh, yes, I know that you are beginning your wind-down, but really, you are no more than halfway through, and I want to continue to enjoy your benefits!

I am thankful for it getting darker a little earlier in the evening and for the slightly cooler temperatures at night, but I'm not ready for sweatshirts and socks just yet.

Summer, you help me to continue to strive to live in the moment. Living in the moment isn't always easy for me, in fact, sometimes it can be downright difficult. I want to rush ahead, but I don't know why I do that. I don't know why I can't just relax in the now, but, Summer, you are helping me to get there. It's easier to sit back and admire the view in the summer and it's easier to just let kids be kids in the summer, allowing for their current stages to just be.

Life moves by so very, very fast. Before we know it our kids are having kids and it feels as though it will just be a blink of an eye and those little ones will be having their own little ones. So, Summer, thank you for helping me to slow down and enjoy the moments.

Thank you for our new "hobby". Who knew that we would enjoy camping?! Maybe you did, Summer...maybe we just weren't listening before. Granted, it's not like we are really roughing it, but having the camper available to us is a wonderful blessing! 😎

Summer, you've also brought a few surprises our way, too, this year. A deeper faith, a few new convictions, major changes in some areas. I appreciate all of those things, too.

So, as August begins, Summer, and as the grasses and trees get heavier with the growth of the season, and as the crops begin to turn to brown, help me to stay in the moment, help me to not rush the seasons...of the year or of our lives.

Thank you, Summer, for wrapping me in your warm sunshine, brilliant blue skies, and velvet green of a lush landscape. You have given me lots to smile about this year and I'm looking forward to more smiles for the second half of your season!

🌞🌞

He is here!! Our handsome 1st grandson made his way into the world 4 days ago. It was a wonderful experience! We are so very grateful for everything going well and for his safe and very quick arrival!

It's fall already....

The entire summer has gone by and I haven't blogged! It's been nearly 5 months! It's good...life is good! It is busy and filled with darling little people, fun times, and lots of studying!

The grand-girls are growing by leaps and bounds and they bring us so much joy and laughter! They are so distinctly different and yet, so similar in some ways. It's exciting to watch their little eyes open with wonder as they learn and experience new things every day! Our oldest doesn't turn 5 until December, but she is already doing first grade math and reading...very proficiently. She is so engaged in learning, as are all the others, but she is at a new level and it thrills my heart to watch as she moves forward academically. However, academics are not the goal in this life and I am beyond excited to watch their faith grow. All of them love to learn about God and His creation, His Word. They are now going to Sunday School and enjoying Awana's. On one hand, it is difficult to comprehend how fast the past 5 years have gone and that they are old enough to be doing these types of activities, and on the other hand, time continues to show just how quickly it goes as we grow older. I try to seek the blessing each day in both of those differences.

To add to all of the joy, we are eagerly awaiting the births of our two youngest grandchildren! Our daughter's child is due to make his/her arrival in just a few weeks! Baby is growing quickly now and Mommy is getting uncomfortable, but all is well and we are bursting with excitement! Our youngest with make her arrival at the end of about 5-7 weeks later. Mommy and baby are also doing well and we are thankful to be able to share this with her while Daddy serves his deployment. It will be difficult having Daddy gone, but we hope we can help to make it a special and wonderful time and we are very grateful for all the technology available to us today that will allow him to be able to see his new child in real time.

I am also thoroughly enjoying working on my doula certification. So much I had learned in college is serving me well now, but there is so much that is significantly better than what I was taught. I am excited to put into practice what I'm working through in order to help women recognize the power in and of themselves, places there by God to do the job He created them to do! Birth should not be medicalized, pregnancy is not a disorder or disease, technology has really done a disservice to the labor and birth process. Yes, technology and medical intervention has a place, but it should be a last resort, and can be if women are supported properly during pregnancy and labor/birth.

Some days I just like to sit quietly for a few minutes and bask in the mercy and grace of our wonderful God and Savior! This morning is one of those moments. The sun is shining. The breeze is gently stirring the drying corn and coming gently in through the front window, keeping it cool and comfortable in here. Our cattle are lowing...their babies are at the vet getting their check-up. They will soon be reunited and all will become calm and quiet again.

Life is good. It is not easy. It is hard to miss those we love so many miles away. But...it is good because God is good and His mercies are new every morning. May we never forget or take for granted His goodness.

The Big "D"

The Big "D" is here. Not divorce....Deployment.

We always knew when our son joined the military that deployment was an option. His being gone for basic training and occupational school was good preparation for it, but the big "D" hits you a bit differently.

Deployment means, usually, foreign soil. In our case, yes. It means more months apart than we have experienced yet. It means a bit of uncertainty in an already uncertain world.

Despite the unknown, there is the knowledge that our son is willing to serve his country. There is pride that he is doing it as a part of an elite branch. There is pride in knowing that he is doing well in his occupation. I appreciate the fact that he is going to be exposed to a different culture and that he will grow even stronger as he faces his current challenges.

Even so, he is away from his wife, who is expecting our grandchild (the 2nd of two this fall!), and his darling B. He will miss birthdays, anniversaries, and favorite holidays. Thankfully, technology exists that makes it possible for us to communicate in real time and that is a real blessing! I am so very thankful for that.

Life has been full lately! We had a week long visit from our son and family before he left for deployment. We enjoyed pizza night, supper at our favorite restaurant, lots of good family time and family pictures.

After almost 6 years of being empty-nesters, on a semi-regular basis, I feel that a door is finally opening for what lies ahead for me and in many ways it has been lying dormant for quite awhile. Not only did my emphasis in high school prepare me for it, my choices in college and my experiences the past 15 years or so seem designed, in retrospect, to be the perfect catalyst for what lies ahead. In combination with building my oils business, it seems almost to perfect a fit, but I am trusting God and have more motivation than I have had in years! The prospect of studying and growing in not only my faith, but also in advocating and working in an area that I feel deeply about is invigorating!

Praise the Lord, O my soul!!

March the 20's. These are complicated days for me. 15 or 16 years ago this week I had a nervous breakdown. I had a major panic attack and then spent months dealing with insomnia, mild agoraphobia, pins and needles, and feeling overwhelmed by life. My children had to suffer through seeing me go through it and had to learn how to deal with some things on their own. I spent a lot of time riding in the truck with hubby, just trying to avoid the realities of life.

I had had too many things on my plate...lots of groups, ministries, homeschool activities. I had lost 70 lbs, but not through healthy eating, so I had depleted my good vitamins in my body and just couldn't cope when the anxiety and panic hit.

The Lord put many things in my path that helped me to learn how to eat better (I'm still working on that one!), to learn how to handle the anxiety and panic I often felt. He helped me to learn to say "no", especially when my husband felt I was going to reach my limits again.

I honestly don't know why this time of year is such a challenge for me, but it seems to cycle around pretty regularly. The simplest of things can trigger it. Last night hubby said he was going to have to get up a 3 AM to get some field work done that almost requires freezing temperatures. The butterflies started to flutter and whirl around inside of me. I didn't want to go back to bed without him, I didn't like the thought of being all alone in the house. We don't even have a pet that could have kept me company.

I prayed about it before going to bed. I prayed about it when the alarm went off. I prayed as I laid there after he had gone out while I occupied my mind with games on my phone and facebook. I made it through the night and even fell back to sleep for a bit.

I awoke to sunshine and promise and then found out about a meeting a friend of mine was having later in the day. As much as I tried not to let it get to me, by late in the afternoon, anxiety was knocking on my door. Hubby is still outside getting this chore done and I am on my own. I cheated with some pringles and a little real sugar, but did much better with my supper.

I had thought that I was moving on from leaving our church of over 20 years, then the annual meeting was held last week and it stirred it all back up. Sadly, it is not a place I want to be any longer. I know this is helping to feed the anxiety a bit...I have to let it go.

We did receive wonderful news this weekend and have much to look forward to this year. God is good! He is still on His throne! Hallelujah!

I am still planning on blogging about the Big "C" (not cancer) and the Big "D (not divorce), but that still lies ahead. Maybe in a day or two.

It's March. Dreary, dragging March. I know that spring lies at the end of the month, but some days it just seems soooo dreary and feels like winter is here for good. My head knows better, but my heart, my motivation, and my energy feel very differently.

I have this huge list of things I need to be doing...

• Learning more about THM and implementing it more and more into my life. I'm am thankful for the first 6 pounds I have lost and for feeling a bit better without all the white stuff in my food.
• Working on getting my essentials oils class ready for next weeks class
• Writing! This blog has been neglected, as well as a private one that I've been working on that I want to take public soon. I also want to get back to working on my children's book and a non-fiction Christian book on the subject of service.
• I need to block 3 shawls!
• Finish a couple of other knitting projects and, of course, start a couple more!
• Exercise.
• Clean out my kitchen cupboards and take unexpired things to the food bank.
• Plus...the basics of keeping a home...dishes (no dishwasher here, my friends, just my own two hands), laundry, sweeping, etc.
• TAXES!!

I'm sure there is more, but it seems to have slipped my mind....

It doesn't really seem like much, but each thing seems so time consuming and I'm having trouble prioritizing what should come first.

Psalms 136:1 (NASB) 

¹ Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, For His lovingkindness is everlasting. 

I've been meaning to blog about the Big "C" and the Big "D" (I doubt it is what you are thinking...), but that will wait for another moment.

We are now pet-less.

It makes me sad.

When I lost my beloved Liberty about 1 1/2 years ago, I said that as our pets die, I didn't want anymore. The emotions are just too much for me. Not so much when they die of natural causes (or the situation I am about to go into), but when we have to make the decision to euthanize them. It is very difficult for me to take that kind of responsibility for that kind of action. I will do it because I recognize the responsibility, but I truly do not like to do it. And, with all that life throws at us these days, it's not something I want to have to spend much emotional energy on in the coming years.

So, we had to make that decision for Liberty and then the following December we had to make it for my 15-year-old kitty, Lydia. Shortly after that, though, our son and daughter-in-law moved in in preparation for his leaving for basic training. They brought with them our beautiful granddaughter and their happy-go-lucky cat, Charlie. Outside, we still had their dog, Buddy, who was a big puppy and had lived with us since J had moved to town.

Charlie adapted very nicely to being a farm cat and by springtime, he was an indoor-outdoor kitty. He and I got along really well and he became my pal.

When the time came for moving preparations to be made, Charlie had to chipped and checked out before moving to the base. They got this done in early December.

A week later, following a very emotional family event, we noticed something was wrong with him. As a young cat he had had a urinary blockage that had cost them quite a bit of money to correct. It seemed that his symptoms were similar. Because of the family event that had taken place, my thoughts were not focused on much of anything but my daughter so I didn't notice anything strange going on with the cat. However, looking back, I now realize that he was trying to tell me that something was wrong. If Charlie had an empty food bowl, he would literally lead me to it. It was in the basement, not too far from his kitty box, so every time he led me down there that weekend, I didn't realize it was about his kitty box and not his food bowl...

By the time we figured out what was going on a decision had to be made. The cost was extremely high for a young couple about to move halfway around the country. He was miserable. Sadly, he needed to be euthanized. He is now buried out by one of my lilac bushes.

So, we got the kids moved and we came home to just our big ol' puppy, Buddy. In reality, Buddy turned six last fall, but he never lost his puppy face. He had beautiful brown eyes and the most adorable puppy ears. J & M had rescued he and his sister as tiny pups. They found them along the road on the reservation not far from M's family's home. When they took them to the vet, the vet guessed their age at about 6 weeks and couldn't believe their condition. They were afraid of the tiniest of movements, Buddy's fur was literally falling out. The vet believed that they had been abused from the tiniest of ages. How awful!!

We brought them home and started working with them. It took almost a year to get them to not be so frightened. We had Liberty, as well, and she was kind of like a mom to them. Sadly, we lost the sister in very unusual circumstances (she was black and our other dogs were blond....).

Buddy grew into a gentle giant. He probably weighed 60 pounds or so (which is good sized for us) and he was so sweet and allowed the girls to love on him. He was a good hunter and would get rabbits and squirrels and bury them. In the summer he loved to be outside all the time, but in the winter he became a house dog and enjoyed his evenings and overnights on the rug in front of the door.

This past Wednesday, the inevitable happened.

I am not against hunting. I prefer it to be done for the meat, but I generally don't mind if it is done for sport, especially if the animal they are hunting is a nuisance and/or dangerous. However, I have never been fond of the way that coyote hunters hunt in Iowa.

For every other type of hunting in the state of Iowa, permission is needed from the landowners. Many coyote hunters in Iowa use dogs. They fly all over the countryside chasing after the dogs chasing after the coyotes. Pickups racing up and down the gravel roads and highways. Others parked at intersections. No one ever stops to tell the landowners what they are up to and that they are even out that day. In the back of my mind I've always figured that they would get one of our dogs. I was right.

I've always tried to pay attention this time of year and if I noticed hunting activity, get my dogs inside. However, I saw nothing out of the ordinary the other day until about 4:00. Hubby and I were sitting in the living room before he went out to do chores and we thought we heard shots. I just assumed it was a late deer season so we didn't think much of it. Hubby and Buddy went out shortly after that.

Around 5:15 a vehicle pulled in our south driveway. I thought it was odd but since J was out there, I didn't worry too much about it. Then the pickup left, the back door opened, and J stomped across the kitchen into the living room.

I knew from the look on his face that something was wrong. Then he said it. "Buddy is dead." Coyote hunters. They weren't using dogs this time, they used a distressed rabbit call. Buddy heard it, so did J. Buddy took off after it. He came out behind a coyote. The hunters took aim and shot both of them.

To make a somewhat long story of what happened after that a bit shorter, hubby made them go back and get him out of the field they left him laying in. He also warned them about me...not to come around again because I will deal with them and their irresponsibility. And, I will. If I ever see them again, they will hear from me.

So now we are pet-less. I have never been without a pet. We have either had a cat or a dog or both. It is quiet around here. I am okay with being pet-less for the time being though...emotions and all of that, but I am not happy with how we lost Buddy and I won't be silent about it.

Hello 2016...

2015 was quite a year. It was a year filled with many new feelings and challenges. A year filled with facing the unknown and nearly constant anticipation. A year filled with change, with hope, with loss.

So, here's to 2016. Our son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter are finally back together, after nearly a year of being separated by his duties. Our oldest is healing well from her broken neck and will begin college again next week. Our middle daughter continues to get busier as the little ones grow and begin to school.

We have left our church of over 20 years. We are still unsure where that will lead us. There is deep sadness where the people are concerned. I miss the community of believers...however, many, many others have had to leave, as well, so we are dispersed anyway.

It would be easy to fall into a depression at this point. My emotions run the gamut each day, it seems.

Words fill my mind, but I'm having trouble getting them to the page.

Some things are very raw...missing my son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter. Deep, abiding sadness over church, the misapplication and misinterpretation being taught. Wondering what God has in store for me next and understanding that this is a time of restoration and relaxation for me and that it is okay to have that time.

Allowing myself that time has always been difficult for me. It makes me feel guilty. However, I've also learned that it is crucial for me to have that time. To work things out at my own pace.

The words will come, I am sure of that. The disjointedness I feel will wear off and my new normal will set in. God will reveal His next steps for me.

I can completely, totally, and joyfully trust that!

A December to....

Not sure how much of this month I really want to remember, although a good chunk of it we won't forget.

We have had crazy emotional highs and sad, deep emotional lows.

We have buried.

We have rejoiced in new birth.

We have and are eagerly anticipating.

What a month!

The Sadness of Suicide

Suicide has touched my life again.

Until about 5 years ago, suicide was a distant concept to me. I had only known one person who had committed suicide and that was back when we were in high school and I didn't really know him well. It had made me sad that he had left a young wife and some angry and hurt family members but my life went on as usual. Over the course of the following 25 years or so I heard of others, but never anyone I knew personally.

Then, almost 5 years ago now, that changed. The husband of a friend took his own life. At the time, she wasn't a close friend, (now she is like a sister to me!) but because God works the way He does, my dearest friend and I were called into action. We got to the house before her husband's body was taken away by the funeral home. A part of me was simply in shock...why would he do this?? He had a beautiful wife, a nearly 4-year-old little boy, and a darling 10-month-old little boy. They had a lovely home that he had built with his own hands. By all accounts, at least from the outside, it made no sense. The other part of me just knew that we didn't need to worry about the "whys" right now, but that we had to focus on M and her boys and getting them into a safe place where they could find a moment of peace. Their life was shattered around them. 

We spent many, many months being there for her, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Some days we practically lived with her. Some days, we literally had to scrape her up off the bathroom floor. The pain that she felt was excruciating. The stages of grief were intense and due to the nature of suicide, we later learned, they often return time and time again. 

Over the course of the next year, several other suicides took place, including one across the street from my parent's house, while I was on the phone with my mom. Another wife and 3 children left behind to fend for themselves. 

What was happening? So much sadness. So much pain.

Then, last fall, my friend's (the same one whose husband had committed suicide) brother became suicidal and violent. He ended up killing himself by escaping a police car and throwing himself into oncoming traffic. 

So much more sadness. So much more pain. 

We know that in a couple of those cases, mental health was definitely a major factor. Questions linger though about why they were unwilling to seek help...even though help around our area is extremely difficult to find. But, even with the mental health issues, there had to be more. A deep feeling of hopelessness. 

I have known depression most of my life. I have even struggled with what many would call suicidal feelings. But, I have always weighed my current feelings against what it would do to my family, my friends, and even my testimony. Thankfully, I have chosen to not listen to the voices in my head that sometimes say the world would be better off without me and I would be better off no longer having to deal with depression. I give thanks to God for His protection over my mind during those times. But, obviously, sometimes God allows things that we just don't understand and it would seem that that protection isn't there for everyone. Of course, I don't believe that, but it would come across that way to many people. 

Now I find out that an old friend's 17-year-old grandson committed suicide last week. He was senior, preparing for military service, attended the local Christian high school, and was said to have a strong faith. I know that his grandfather certainly has a strong faith, but I'm sure that it has been shaken this week. No matter how strong your faith is, suicide gives it a powerful jolt. 

So the questions begin again...why would a young man with his whole life ahead of him bring it to an end? Why would he do it with his siblings in the house at the same time? Why? Why? Why? 

We may never know. But what I do know...this has to stop. 

We have to make it okay to say that we are depressed, that we are anxious, that we are fearful. We have to make it okay to say that we are tired of the fight of life. 

Christians need to stop throwing platitudes out there (and fighting over dumb things like coffee cups at a secular store!!). We need to stop making our children and our men hide their struggles. We need to remember that we all have temptations and secret sin and we need to make it safe for people to confess to others and not receive judgment but comfort and wisdom.

In many cases the church has become a place of judgment and condemnation instead of the safe harbor it is supposed to be. People put on a facade in order to present themselves in such a way that others won't know that they struggle, that their lives are perfect. We hide behind big hair and stilettos, just like the rest of the world. We hide behind business successes and a multitude of extracurricular activities for our kids and ourselves. We hide behind Bible studies and church attendance. 

Transparency has almost become a dirty word. Oh sure, we give it lip service and say that we should be transparent, but the vast majority of believers are scared to death of the judgment that can come following transparency. That needs to stop! We need to be real, not only for our sake, but for the sake of those in the next generation.

Something was bothering that young man so much that he felt he couldn't face life anymore. Some would call it selfish, he was only thinking of himself and not the pain he would leave behind, and there is a place for that thinking in the grief process, but his pain goes far beyond that. Truly, can a 17-year-old even fully understand the consequences his suicide would mean to his family, his friends, his school? Probably not. Not when his pain was searing him in ways we can only speculate about.

I pray for his family. I pray for their peace and comfort, for the anger that is bound to come. I pray that they will be advocates for other hurting and frightened children. I pray that we will begin to really think about what we are teaching our children about life and pain and hurt. We need to realize that kids are facing a future that, at best, is confused. Our world is willing to say men are women and women are men and even if you are born white, you can be black. Our world says that faith is bad and sin is good. Our world says there are no boundaries and yet, they put in place new and useless boundaries...boundaries that tell our kids (especially young, white males) that they are guilty until proven innocent). The world is upset down and we are fooling ourselves if we think it doesn't effect our kids, even our Christian kids. 

The only hope our world has is Jesus Christ! If we aren't transparent, if we aren't real and honest, if we aren't open we are only going to lose more young men and women to the sadness and pain of their minds. Jesus came to save and to give life abundant, but, sadly, even believers don't know how to tap into that abundant life and have lost ourselves to the trials and tribulations of the world. 

Put down the electronics, the phones, all the extracurricular activities and spend time with your family, your children, your grandchildren, and your great-grandchildren. Share who you truly are with them! Show them what God has done in your life! Take a genuine interest in theirs! Love!

Deuteronomy 6:5 (NASB)
⁵ "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

Leviticus 19:18 (NASB)
¹⁸ 'You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the Lord.

Matthew 22:37-40 (NASB) 
³⁷ And He said to him, " 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart , and with all your soul , and with all your mind .'
³⁸ "This is the great and foremost commandment.
³⁹ "The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself .'
⁴⁰ "On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets." --emphasis mine

Love! Love God first and love others! 

Stop getting so caught up in things like cups and just start loving!

Anticipation...

This past year feels as though it has been lived in a near state of constant anticipation. 

About 14 months ago our son announced his intention to finally join the military. While the prospect was scary to me, I knew that he had wanted to do this since 9/11 and that he had almost enlisted several times but, for very good reasons, had not gone through with it. I also knew that if he didn't finally do it this time it would be a regret he would carry to the end of his days. I didn't want him to have that regret. 

So began our year of living with anticipation....the anticipation of getting all of their things dealt with--selling the house, moving all of their things into storage/our house/her parent's house. Moving themselves into our house when their house sold. The anticipation of the holidays--which we knew could be the last holidays we would spend with them for a few years. The anticipation of J completing his civilian job. The anticipation of the day when he would finally board the plane to California. The anticipation of his first (and only phone call...this ain't the Army, folks!) home that night. The anticipation of his first letter so that we would finally have an address to start writing him letters. The anticipation of his first letter (many weeks later) indicating that he had finally began receiving our letters. The anticipation of hearing how he did completing the many challenges placed before him. The anticipation of finally seeing an updated photo, either on FB or when the "video" finally came out. The anticipation of his completion of his final test...

The anticipation of getting on the road. The anticipation once we got there of actually getting to physically see him. The anticipation, once we saw him, of finally getting to wrap my arms around him and see him up close and personal. The anticipation of one more night apart. The anticipation of finally putting him in the car and coming home for 10 days.

The anticipation of putting him back on a plane for more training. The anticipation of his graduating from that training. The anticipation of his going to the next place for even more training. The anticipation of waiting until that training could begin. The anticipation of a quick trip home over the 4th of July. The anticipation of putting him back on another plane to head back to training. The anticipation of his finally starting the next leg of his training. The anticipation of getting to see him again over Labor Day. The anticipation of putting him back on another plane. 

Now...the anticipation of waiting to find out where he will be permanently stationed. And, so, we wait....

I pray for my son and his wife, the separation has lasted far longer than they were told it would. If I struggle with anticipating what is yet to come, I can only imagine what they are feeling deep down inside. 

Change, waiting, anticipating....none of those come very naturally for me. However, I am learning that those are the three of the biggest challenges of being a military family. 

Change...nothing ever seems to stay the same. One day you think it's going to go one way and the next day, orders have changed. Missions have changed. 

Waiting...the concept of "hurry up and wait" carries so much more meaning for us these days!!

Anticipation...there has yet to be one day since all of this began that we haven't had a heightened sense of anticipation, good and challenging. 

He ranks up today. I am very proud of the effort he has put in and the success he has been having. He had a dream and he is following through, despite the difficulty in being away from his wife, child, and the rest of his family and friends. Sometime this week we should know where his next stop will be. Maybe then this sense of constant anticipation can calm itself down into a bit more normalcy....but, I doubt it. We are now a military family after all and it comes with his job. 

So, I will do what God has been teaching me through this...I will trust Him, I will rest in His peace and the knowledge that He has this all planned. Without those things, I would never have made it through these first few months as a new military mom. I am so very thankful that the "Prince of Peace" goes before me and my son, his wife and daughter, and our family.

We finally had to turn the furnace on....

We've had some cool nights and warmer days so we've been able to avoid turning it on until yesterday, but the forecast is calling for highs in the 50's so we knew the chill wouldn't just wear off. Fall seems like it has been a long time in coming. This spring it felt like summer would never come. In fact, we had some nights in the 40's in May, but summer finally got here. Now, it feels as though fall is taking it's sweet time. The trees don't seem to be turning much, in fact some are just going slightly yellow and then dropping their leaves. Others leaves seem to be clinging on for a lot longer than usual. Our willows in the back yard look as though they haven't lost any leaves. Makes me wonder what winter has in store for us...

We have almost completed harvest. The vast majority is done. Just a small piece left here at home. The corn is down quite badly in that spot and there was a major wet spot there a couple of weeks ago, but it's nothing that hubby can't get done on his own. He has a little to do for our neighbors and then it will be time to put away the combine until next year. Of course, the work only slows down a bit. There is still tiling and some bulldozing to do. We are very thankful for a good crop this year. It surprised us. But, with prices being what they are, having the extra yield is a blessing.

Now we begin to really get prepared to move our daughter-in-law and granddaughter in December. She has been moving more of the things they took to her parents back to our house. We are still waiting to hear J's PDS, which we should learn shortly, but we are excited to reunite them. It's been 9 months since he left for boot...their separation has been several months longer than was anticipated. It is a joy though watching B grow. She is 17 months old now and such a little go-getter. She is filled with emotion and doesn't mind showing it--happy, sad, or mad! She is extremely expressive and just such a little cutie. She is working on learning all kinds of words and is quite the mimic. She reminds me so much of her daddy as this age. Even when she doesn't have the correct words, she just chitter-chatters and using all sorts of inflection and conversational tones. She loves to be read to and then enjoys sitting on the floor and "reading" the book to herself. She is going to be wordy, like her grandma, her daddy, her uncle, and her oldest cousin on our side. And, since Gpa on mommy's side is a preacher, she's got it coming from that side, too! I love it! I love to hear their vocabularies expand and their being able to put thoughts to words.

The older two granddaughters are extremely well-spoken (so I see no reason why B and A won't be as well). Their grammar is ridiculously good for 3 1/2 and 2 1/2. They are so very polite, including using "excuse me" when they need to move past you. It melts my heart to hear that! They use "thank you" and "your welcome" and "I'm sorry" very liberally. Even their moments of rebellion are tempered by their manners.

It truly is a blessing to watch our children parent their children. They do not scream and yell at the kids. All of them are wonderfully reasonable with the kids, even when things get chaotic. They don't condescend to the girls and treat them as little sponges who learn what they see. I really think this is key in parenting. We all have high expectations of the girls, but without the requirement that they meet those expectations without help and example from their parents and grandparents. I know far too many people who scream and yell at their little ones and expect them to be perfect little humans and when those little humans behave like what they've seen, they just can't understand why they behave like that! People need to be a bit more introspective!

I really miss the days when manners and good behavior were lived out and modeled for the next generation. When the adults are behaving like barbarians, their children will only follow suit!

Psalms 127:3-5 (AMP)

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

⁴ As arrows are in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.

⁵ Happy, blessed, and fortunate is the man whose quiver is filled with them! They will not be put to shame when they speak with their adversaries [in gatherings] at the [city’s] gate.

We are truly blessed! Grandbaby #5 is due next June! We are praising God for His faithfulness and for the blessing of all our little ones!

It has often amazed me how dismissive some people can be of their adult children. It certainly never was our goal to allow our children to become attached by our apron strings and never let go...we strongly desired that our children grow into strong, independent, capable adults, and, thankfully, they are! Despite our many parenting errors, because, let's face it, everyone makes them, they are all doing well. They don't always make choices that we agree with, but they are all strong, independent, and capable adults.

However, my mommy-mode kicked into gear this week as we faced our daughter's neck surgery.

When I first heard from the emergency room doctor that her neck was broke in two places the tears welled up in my eyes. He quickly sought to reassure me that these were not the kind we really needed to worry about and that with a stable neck for a few weeks, would heal on it's own. I felt reassured and we went on our way, waiting to hear from an orthopedic doctor to help us determine the type of neck brace she needed.

When she finally heard from them they couldn't get her in to be seen until the following Friday, a full week out from her accident. I was not happy about that, but what could we do. In this crazy world of health care bureaucracy there really was little hope of getting anything changed so we waited. I was concerned because she was still having quite a bit of pain and tingling and the brace that she was given really did not fit her and seemed to be causing even more problems.

She made it through the week and we headed to the orthopedic doctor with the hopes that we would just get a better neck brace and the all clear that she could go to work. However, it was not to be. The doctor was actually upset that the situation had been under-described to him and he said that she required surgery. We were shocked and K was even angry. It meant losing more work time and possibly school time and she has had such good momentum where school was concerned.

We left, still unsure of when the surgery would be...another wonderful consequence of the messed-up health care system we have, and began to get all the other things lined up...her pre-op check-up, school, and work.

We kind of moved through the weekend in stunned wait mode. Several people asked how I was doing and told me they were praying not only for K, but also for me. I really didn't feel much anxiety or fear, but I also knew it would come and was very thankful for dear friends willing to pray me through it.

When they first scheduled her surgery it was set for 2:30 in the afternoon! We were shocked. We had never heard of a surgery scheduled for that time and it seemed like the wait we would be even longer. Thankfully, about halfway through Monday she heard from the nurse at the hospital and the doctor had requested that her surgery be moved up to 7:30. He told her that he wanted "fresh hands" which both reassured and somewhat terrified me!  It was reassuring that he was paying attention to his day and that he knew her surgery was more delicate than his others and it was terrifying because it affirmed to us that her surgery was delicate.  I was still feeling a wonderful peace that could only come from God, though, and that was truly a blessing!

That night, as I tried to drift off to sleep, she and her surgery weighed heavy on my mind, but it the weight wasn't just about my daughter...my daughter-in-law's grandfather weighed heavy. He is facing his final days, having just found out a few weeks ago that he has liver cancer that has spread. One of our dear friend's weighed heavy...he had an accident a few weeks ago that has left him with a 4-inch x 6 inch open hole in his skull. Until the swelling goes down he won't be able to have a plate inserted and even if the swelling is down, he will still have to wait until there is a spot to fit him into surgery (thank you crazy health care system!). Our landlord weighed heavy...he was diagnosed with stomach cancer earlier this summer and is fighting a long, hard battle. Other things weighed heavy on my mind...it seemed that there was a never-ending list of sadness, hurt, and pain that rolled through my thoughts that night. I prayed for each, individually.

Despite the sadness that I felt for all the struggle that seems to be going on, I had a deep peace. I knew it was all in God's hands and I never doubted His plan. No matter what we see from our human eyes and feel with our human hearts, God knows the truest truth. He knows the outcome He is seeking and how that outcome will be achieved. I can trust Him.

The next morning began at zero dark thirty as my military son says. We got to the hospital and we were ready to take on the day. Our pastor, along with my mom and pops, joined us around 6 am. K was already being prepped for the surgery. Our pastor's prayer was what all of us needed, there was a hush, a peace, and wonderful knowledge that God was in control. It was just what we needed.

After he left we heard from the obligatory folks involved in her surgery...the anesthesiologist, the surgeon, the nurse who would be with her throughout the morning.  Before long the nurse told us it was time to love on her and head to the waiting room.

At that point, the mommy in me pulled at my emotions. My baby was going in to surgery and this was far more extensive than the 9 sets of ear tubes and tonsillectomy she had as a child. Those were 15 minutes and were really non-invasive. This surgery meant an incision in the front of the neck. It meant placing a bone as well as a plate. It meant messing with her nerve. The top risk, beyond death, was paralysis. Despite my baby being nearly 29, I just wanted to hold her and tell her it would be alright. Besides this accident and surgery, she has been through so much this year. My mommy heart just wants to fix it all for her, not make her go through it, kiss the owie and make it all better. But, I can't. The majority of things are beyond my control and this surgery was certainly one of those things. I had to trust that God would guide the surgeon's hands and that no matter the outcome, He was in control and it was for K's good in some way, shape or form.

We kissed her good-bye and headed for the waiting room.

The morning wore on. Thankfully they have an RN who checks on all the surgeries and reports to the waiting families and friends. Her surgery had started late. Finally about 2 1/2 hours later we got the news that all went well and she was in recovery. Praise God!! They told us that we had some time to get lunch and relax, they still didn't have a room for her and she needed to stay overnight. We were once again reminded of the craziness of our current health care system and the ridiculousness of it all!

She is now home and recovering nicely. She will have a nasty scar on her neck, but that scar will be a reminder that she is still with us, still is not paralyzed. God was gracious to her and what could have so much worse He had his hand on and, once again, showed His protection and mercy to.

No matter how old my children or grandchildren get I think I will always have that deep, intense desire to keep them safe, kiss their boo-boos, and love them like they are brand-new. I don't ever want to become a parent who isn't deeply committed to loving and nurturing my children, no matter how old they are. I won't step in and try to change their situations or keep them from dealing with the consequences of their own choices, but I will love them through their challenges and their victories. I will love them in their pain and in their joy. I won't protect them from the truths of this fallen world, but I will pray for God's protection in their life and we will face this world together.

I am who I am because of all that I have been through, good and bad. I don't want to steal any of that from them. It will make them who God intends them to be, too. I am so very thankful to God for coming alongside all of us and being our All in All so that we can be who He intends.

Thankful

We are waiting for the doctor to give her the A-OK to head home, but we are so thankful all went well!

So thankful for God filling my love tank last week. As I wrote on Thursday evening, my heart was full! On Friday morning we finally got our daughter into the orthopedic doctor. It didn't go as we had hoped.

The orthopedic doctor basically said that the emergency room doctor and radiologist had "under-described" the situation and that she requires surgery to fix the problem otherwise she will have to live with chronic pain and weakness on the left side. They have to go in through the front, lift up the broken C7 that is resting on the nerve, put it back into place, put in a piece of bone and add a plate. They want it done quickly or it will be too late. So, Tuesday it is. She is understandably nervous and this Mamabear is, too!  However, God is in control and we trust Him with the outcome. It isn't always easy to see what He is doing, but I know He is doing something and that is enough.

We are almost a week into harvest, as well. The corn is yielding well, but the majority of it has broken over and is complicating how quickly we can combine it. We are thankful for the good yield, though.

So, another busy week ahead. Cleaning out the hog building and Bible study on Monday. Surgery on Tuesday and she won't come home until late on Wednesday. Getting the hog building washed and harvest and trucking and just general life. So thankful we got to sleep in this morning!

What a wonderful week this has been! I was able to spend time with my dad, my step-mom, my aunt, and my sister.

We enjoyed our middle daughter's birthday with a yummy chocolate cake made from scratch by my daughter-in-law. We enjoyed Maid-rites for lunch and Gio's for supper.

There was riding in the combine. Beautiful weather. Wonderful company. Our little ones enjoyed my step-mom immensely and they were such little cuties!

My heart is full!

Life is good!

We are thankful that our daughter wasn't more seriously injured in a car accident last Friday. She ended up breaking two bones in her neck and we certainly aren't happy with the local orthopedic doctors, 3 of which literally blew off the emergency room doctor, but at least she is alive and she is not paralyzed.

Last night was a special night and I got to see my dad for the first time in 5 years and my aunt for the first time in 6 or 7. We laughed and shared and just enjoyed each others company.

So, with more time on my hands my family has encouraged me to spend more time with my blogging and writing and that is my intention.

We had a busy weekend.

Bible study on Thursday night....Leviticus is not the boring book that so many make it out to be! I'm learning so much and the connection to my Savior is just awesome!

We went to our local pregnancy centers fall banquet on Friday night. We have backed away from serving in 2004 due to their unwillingness to actually use the money they had stored up, but with a new board and director, things seems to be back on track. We were impressed to learn about their new connections within the community and how they help other services and other services help them. The fact that the county judicial system is now putting their services to work was also a good thing to hear.

Saturday we had our baby B for the day. She is such a joy and so expressive!  In the afternoon we went to see a live "Tabernacle" experience. It was wonderful!! Again, as Hebrews points out, all of the Old Testament rituals and ceremonies all point to the Messiah and it was such a blessing to walk through the replica and imagine how our forebears worshiped. We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day to enjoy it either.

Yesterday was filled with the grandchildren and moving cows across the road. Following Twitter hoping for spoilers from Downton Abbey. Making fun videos of the girls. A wonderful Sunday....

I do have a few topics in mind that I'm planning on fleshing out over the course of the next few days...disagreement...bearing false witness...overlooking someone's trespasses...

But, first, a busy couple of days...starting a new Bible study with 10 ladies today...Lysa Terkeurst's What Happens When Women Say Yes to God. Finishing up What's It Like to Be Married to Me by Linda Dillow tomorrow. Throw in the bookkeeping, grocery shopping, and all the other goodies of everyday life and you've got a full couple of days! Blessed!!