March the 20's. These are complicated days for me. 15 or 16 years ago this week I had a nervous breakdown. I had a major panic attack and then spent months dealing with insomnia, mild agoraphobia, pins and needles, and feeling overwhelmed by life. My children had to suffer through seeing me go through it and had to learn how to deal with some things on their own. I spent a lot of time riding in the truck with hubby, just trying to avoid the realities of life.
I had had too many things on my plate...lots of groups, ministries, homeschool activities. I had lost 70 lbs, but not through healthy eating, so I had depleted my good vitamins in my body and just couldn't cope when the anxiety and panic hit.
The Lord put many things in my path that helped me to learn how to eat better (I'm still working on that one!), to learn how to handle the anxiety and panic I often felt. He helped me to learn to say "no", especially when my husband felt I was going to reach my limits again.
I honestly don't know why this time of year is such a challenge for me, but it seems to cycle around pretty regularly. The simplest of things can trigger it. Last night hubby said he was going to have to get up a 3 AM to get some field work done that almost requires freezing temperatures. The butterflies started to flutter and whirl around inside of me. I didn't want to go back to bed without him, I didn't like the thought of being all alone in the house. We don't even have a pet that could have kept me company.
I prayed about it before going to bed. I prayed about it when the alarm went off. I prayed as I laid there after he had gone out while I occupied my mind with games on my phone and facebook. I made it through the night and even fell back to sleep for a bit.
I awoke to sunshine and promise and then found out about a meeting a friend of mine was having later in the day. As much as I tried not to let it get to me, by late in the afternoon, anxiety was knocking on my door. Hubby is still outside getting this chore done and I am on my own. I cheated with some pringles and a little real sugar, but did much better with my supper.
I had thought that I was moving on from leaving our church of over 20 years, then the annual meeting was held last week and it stirred it all back up. Sadly, it is not a place I want to be any longer. I know this is helping to feed the anxiety a bit...I have to let it go.
We did receive wonderful news this weekend and have much to look forward to this year. God is good! He is still on His throne! Hallelujah!